I am experiencing pain, disappointment, and the possibility of being cheated on. When my husband wants to know how I miss being with him, what I miss that we used to have, or what I used to have in the bedroom, I get this confused look on my face.
“I miss having a friend with benefits,” is how I respond. There is no more friend. I am just a single woman. I do not want to be separated from my husband anymore, but there is no escape from the realization that I am alone.
It makes me sad, I admit, but if there is an answer to the question, “how do I miss being with my husband,” it is a relationship where we are a couple, not a friendship. I want to get out from under the illusion that if I call my friend, she will come and take me back.
Of course, my friend can’t help me but her feelings about my husband, but even if I leave her, she will probably do all she can to keep up the charade, in hopes that I will eventually go back to my husband. In fact, she may not let me, so long as my feelings are hurt and she feels she can manipulate me.
In all honesty, I do love my husband, but I miss the closeness I used to feel when I would come home from work and sit down with him. I miss the feeling of being desired and respected.
How can I find out if my husband is cheating? Well, I have been looking for signs are everywhere. No longer is it enough to know that he leaves his office door open at night. Now, if I hear him say he needs to run an errand, or if he takes his cell phone from under his pillow at night, then I need to find out how he is spending his time.
It has nothing to do with physical attraction. It is not like the old days when I was eager to please my husband sexually.
I would never tell him I missed the days when I would be able to get things done in the bedroom that I can’t today. However, I know that if I want him to leave his office door open at night and go out on a date with me, I need to become more in tune with him sexually. I need to be a better lover.
I need to let him know that I want him to be happy and I feel bad about the times that we had sex when I knew we were no longer sharing the same thoughts and emotions. If I can do these things, it will make him more willing to make a move towards us.
It is very possible that if I can learn to control the sexual intimacy, then I can break the connection that is already there. I can open the lines of communication again.
I think it would be best if I stopped trying to find out if my husband is cheating. What if, in the end, I did find out he was cheating? It may be too late.
I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and trying to fix things that I cannot. I have no intention of finding a solution that I cannot live with. All I want is to get back to the feelings that I used to feel in bed.